Sometimes I let my mind wander

I put my palms on my pillow and lifted myself up. The plush silk pillow was wet - I actually did shed real tears for a made up scenario in my head.

I cried when I felt that sharp pain in mychest - that feeling when you're heartbroken, devastated and had no way out. 

Yet there's nothing that's truly making me feel this way. It was purely my own imagination.

Have you ever let your train of thoughts craft the hallucinating fabric of reality and illusion in your mind? Call it a window to an alternate universe if you will, or simply allowing your imagination to run wild. I've been doing that since I was a kid, non-stop. My fiance told me I daydream a lot, and he could easily tell when I start doing that. I would start twirling my hair, biting my nails, playing with my own fingers and looking at them as if they were such amusing foreign objects. Subconsciously, my bodily action is not capable of following the movie my brain makes up in my daydream.

Today, I saw myself falling in love with someone I didn't know. In my made up reality, he was kind but still left me with a rejected, broken promise. Not even a promise. He was with another girl, I naturally didn't want to be the burden. I remembered real tears were rolling down my cheeks when I told him in my mind: "I don't understand this pain, there's nothing between us yet I feel this jolt in my heart. Like a stake driven deep in there, leaving me paralyzed. I feel helpless, vulnerable. Why?"

Like so, sometimes I let my mind wander.


There are days when I allowed myself to stop and postpone the daily errands. The tiny things that are so insignificant yet take up so much of your time, dry you up and leave you bare. Tired mentally, maybe it's time to just stop in the track and realize where I am. Where I really am.

Is it right what I'm doing? What if I had taken on a different career? What if I had moved somewhere else? What if I had decided not to pursue my love like I did?

Had I turned out differently if I had made different decisions in my life? What if I never left? What if I never stayed? What if I gave up and moved on without event trying? Or maybe, I have been trying too hard all this time.

Who is to know that I am living how I should or not? Only I do. And even then I really don't.

So sometimes, I let my mind wander.