Noobsaur's Chunks

Boggles my mind A question of self worth, of identity and longing How weak am I a creature to crave warmth from a stranger who has no such need. And here I thought I was the Amazonian, brave, and free Free from human desires , from the need to be accepted From the mundane, lowly earthly emotions. Yet here I am. I have never felt like I belong, always the sore thumb wherever I go Being an outcast is the norm, being indifferent is treasured all along. Always pride myself in my lack of attachment Always strive to remove the self from the mass. Yet here I am. Shedding tears for one I don't know. Don't love. Don't have. Do I simply crave human touch after all? Do I want something I can't have? Or do I truly ache for you?

Your touch on my skin. A breeze, Passing through wonder, desire, or secrets? Perhaps this hesitant pause is what my mind creates To satisfy myself with you. Your lips on my skin. A rainy afternoon, Scraping at sorrow, pain and lust. Longing to find ourselves in each other And apart. Your tear on my skin. A storm, Ripping through the crack we never knew was there. --- Wait, no. This was not supposed to be about you. Why did it end this way? I'm ready to put it all away and feel again. So let me be touched again Let me be kissed again Let me cry again With someone new.

It's been hurting more in recent days. I cried in bed a couple of times this past few weeks. It seems to have increased in triple, quadruple dosage - certainly a lot more compared to when that happened. Perhaps that's because I tried to suppress the immediate effect and now the dormant reactor implodes. I filled my schedule with meeting people, doing things, busy my mind etc. which honestly did help a lot. I settled into a new routine right quick. But perhaps that backfired in the end. Or maybe new stimuli added to the negative reaction and the whole series of event turned on me. Either way, I'm not feeling well. Work wise, things are improving. But what else is improving? My attitude? My goals in life? My "why am I here" disbelief and anti-realization? I'm scared, but unable to move, directionless and discouraged. I don't have the will I need to have. Maybe throwing myself at work and things to do helps numb the pain. Or maybe that will numb my he...

Funny, it's been a year since my Quarter life crisis note. What a foreshadowing post. At the time I was sensing that despite my seemingly perfect life (stable job, beautiful boyfriend and gorgeous dog) there was something not right. Oh the old me, how could you be so wise? A lot has happened since then. A wedding planned. Distressed calls across the world. Happiness, joy, anger, defiance. Thoughts of a paintball wedding in Roanoke. Snow multicam and black multicam for the bride and groom. A wedding cancelled. "Due to time & financial constraints". But I felt we didn't have our hearts in it anymore. Maybe it was just the timing. We could wait another 5 years for another anniversary - another Halloween to land on a weekend. No big deal. My work visa came in. I teared up at the office, hugs and laughs with my coworkers. Called the love of my life and announced the good news that I had worked and waited for several years to come true. Lukewarm reception. I wa...