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It's cold and heavy

It's been hurting more in recent days. I cried in bed a couple of times this past few weeks. It seems to have increased in triple, quadruple dosage - certainly a lot more compared to when that happened.

Perhaps that's because I tried to suppress the immediate effect and now the dormant reactor implodes. I filled my schedule with meeting people, doing things, busy my mind etc. which honestly did help a lot. I settled into a new routine right quick. But perhaps that backfired in the end. Or maybe new stimuli added to the negative reaction and the whole series of event turned on me.

Either way, I'm not feeling well. Work wise, things are improving. But what else is improving? My attitude? My goals in life? My "why am I here" disbelief and anti-realization?

I'm scared, but unable to move, directionless and discouraged. I don't have the will I need to have.

Maybe throwing myself at work and things to do helps numb the pain. Or maybe that will numb my heart.
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