Funny, it's been a year since my Quarter life crisis note. What a foreshadowing post.
At the time I was sensing that despite my seemingly perfect life (stable job, beautiful boyfriend and gorgeous dog) there was something not right. Oh the old me, how could you be so wise?
A lot has happened since then. A wedding planned. Distressed calls across the world. Happiness, joy, anger, defiance. Thoughts of a paintball wedding in Roanoke. Snow multicam and black multicam for the bride and groom.
A wedding cancelled. "Due to time & financial constraints". But I felt we didn't have our hearts in it anymore. Maybe it was just the timing. We could wait another 5 years for another anniversary - another Halloween to land on a weekend. No big deal.
My work visa came in. I teared up at the office, hugs and laughs with my coworkers. Called the love of my life and announced the good news that I had worked and waited for several years to come true. Lukewarm reception. I was surprised and I wondered. But didn't think too much about it.
-------
Then the storm came.
We worked on it for months.
But I kept feeling this odd silence. This quiet disappointment. This look that went on asking for something that I could not put a finger on. Something I could not give. Something I don't understand and don't have to offer. Or failed to offer.
On that Sunday, about a month before our could-have-been, would-have-been, should-have-been wedding, I moved out. I remember the last thing I said that day: "What difference would it make?" and he responded disapprovingly: "You're right, it wouldn't make any difference." And walked away.
I stood there and cried next to my car, a tiny sedan full of my belongings. I left my young adulthood with him.
-------
I saw him yesterday on Valentine's. The first Valentine's day being single since high school. Odd. Just like that first Halloween being single - but that day was dark and I avoided any social interaction on purpose.
On Valentine's, I figured it was different now. We settled into our own routine. Emotions wouldn't be as fresh. It should be okay to hang out and discuss some paintball business, might even play some. I was wrong.
I hadn't seen him for a month. I leaned in for a quick greeting hug, but was met with a bear squeeze. We missed each other.
Cuddling was a bad idea. Especially when we breathed the same air and suddenly he said: "You should know, I have a girlfriend."
My heart is now raw.
-------
Out of my relationships, this one was filled with the most tears. Tears of fights won and lost. During, after, the second beginning, the second ending. Almost 7 years with my best friend, the first person that I truly hoped to spend my life with. But somehow, somewhere in my mind, I knew nothing lasts forever.
-------
"Please don't hate me."
No darling, of course not. I can never hate you. I have my own regrets, and I can never hate anything about you, about us. We were perfect, almost perfect.
I will remember the first time we kissed. Under your old plaid blanket. I touched your face, and took several minutes to let my lips find yours. Your heart was racing, and you let me take over.
Never again.
At the time I was sensing that despite my seemingly perfect life (stable job, beautiful boyfriend and gorgeous dog) there was something not right. Oh the old me, how could you be so wise?
A lot has happened since then. A wedding planned. Distressed calls across the world. Happiness, joy, anger, defiance. Thoughts of a paintball wedding in Roanoke. Snow multicam and black multicam for the bride and groom.
A wedding cancelled. "Due to time & financial constraints". But I felt we didn't have our hearts in it anymore. Maybe it was just the timing. We could wait another 5 years for another anniversary - another Halloween to land on a weekend. No big deal.
My work visa came in. I teared up at the office, hugs and laughs with my coworkers. Called the love of my life and announced the good news that I had worked and waited for several years to come true. Lukewarm reception. I was surprised and I wondered. But didn't think too much about it.
-------
Then the storm came.
We worked on it for months.
But I kept feeling this odd silence. This quiet disappointment. This look that went on asking for something that I could not put a finger on. Something I could not give. Something I don't understand and don't have to offer. Or failed to offer.
On that Sunday, about a month before our could-have-been, would-have-been, should-have-been wedding, I moved out. I remember the last thing I said that day: "What difference would it make?" and he responded disapprovingly: "You're right, it wouldn't make any difference." And walked away.
I stood there and cried next to my car, a tiny sedan full of my belongings. I left my young adulthood with him.
-------
I saw him yesterday on Valentine's. The first Valentine's day being single since high school. Odd. Just like that first Halloween being single - but that day was dark and I avoided any social interaction on purpose.
On Valentine's, I figured it was different now. We settled into our own routine. Emotions wouldn't be as fresh. It should be okay to hang out and discuss some paintball business, might even play some. I was wrong.
I hadn't seen him for a month. I leaned in for a quick greeting hug, but was met with a bear squeeze. We missed each other.
Cuddling was a bad idea. Especially when we breathed the same air and suddenly he said: "You should know, I have a girlfriend."
My heart is now raw.
-------
Out of my relationships, this one was filled with the most tears. Tears of fights won and lost. During, after, the second beginning, the second ending. Almost 7 years with my best friend, the first person that I truly hoped to spend my life with. But somehow, somewhere in my mind, I knew nothing lasts forever.
-------
"Please don't hate me."
No darling, of course not. I can never hate you. I have my own regrets, and I can never hate anything about you, about us. We were perfect, almost perfect.
I will remember the first time we kissed. Under your old plaid blanket. I touched your face, and took several minutes to let my lips find yours. Your heart was racing, and you let me take over.
Never again.
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